The Pressure Cooker

*** WARNING Very graphic and crass blog entry to follow!***

This morning we went in for our baseline ultrasound. Mrs. Beans ovaries are looking "robust," so we are on to the Gonal-F and Repronex tomorrow evening. The RE recommended mixing the Gonal and Repron together to make one shot. It's been years since we shut down our meth lab, so we are a little nervous about mixing up the drugs. Has anyone out there done this? Is it easy?

After the ultrasound we were able to sit down with the IVF nurse and asked a few questions. First, thanks to a tip that we learned from that treasure trove "the IVF Shoot Em' Up," we asked for and were given 1 inch needles instead of 1 1/2 inch needles for the progesterone shots, Yippee! As the designated "shooter" I was pretty excited about the reduction in length, as I was worried about making a Beans-ka-bob, out of my rather petite wife. We also got a better idea of when the retrieval and transfers will take place. They do coincide with some interesting football and baseball games, but I wisely kept this to myself.

Next, we asked if I needed to produce my sample at the doctor's office or if I could do it at home and bring it in. The back story being that I HATE going into the "spankatorium" and I have done my last two samples in the cozy confines of "Casa de Beans."

I have to admit that I am more than a little nervous about this final deposit, especially considering that there is now an element of timing involved. I feel like I am back in Little League. "Bases loaded, two outs, bottom of the ninth.... okay, Beans it's up to you. Drive in that run and win the game." I usually operate pretty well under pressure, but the nature of this particular situation is turning into a source of great angst.

Anyway, the IVF nurse said that I could do it at home as a last resort, but that it was strongly encouraged that I do it in the lab to provide the "freshest" possible sample. She knows that we are self pay and added, "it is quite an investment (emotionally, physically, financially) to get to this point, so you want to consider all of you options carefully."

Oh really? Thanks for clearing that up, I feel much more relaxed now!

The nurse went on to say, that Mrs. Beans could provide an assist, but frankly we are a little confused as to how that works and were too embarrassed to ask. Well, we understand how it works, but I mean with the timing and everything. Our understanding is that A. Mrs. Beans will pop some Valium beforehand and B. there will be some discomfort after the retrieval. We have talked about it, and envision Mrs. Beans, all groggy from the medication, slipping off the table and staggering over to the spunkatorium.

Mrs. Beans purrs, "Oh yeah, you like that, don't you Frankie?"

Frank replies, "Umm, that's a lamp. I'm over here."

A few minutes later we are in the Beansmobile going to work and we had the following conversation:

FNB: So, they really want me to come into the office for the sample.

Mrs. B: Yeah, well, you just gotta get in there and do it. Don't think about, just get it done. In and out!

FNB: But, that's the problem.

Mrs. B: What is?

FNB: Your looking at this like giving blood or having some other medical procedure done, but it's more mental than anything. You can't just grit your teeth and get through it. Imagine if the tables were turned. The doctor comes in and says, "Okay Mrs. Beans, now we would like you to bring yourself to a state of arousal and then climax. You can do it in this closet right over here." ***Banging on door*** "Hey, is everything okay in there? No pressure, but we need you to do this in the next ten minutes.... try small circles! Oh, and we have a TigerBeat and an US Weekly if you need it..."

Mrs. B: (laughing) Okay, stop. I get it.

Now, this entry is not a plea for sympathy, I am VERY aware that I am shouldering little of the burden in this process, that I have the easy part of the job, and that I have been practicing for this moment since the day I was thirteen and Cheryl Tiegs first graced the cover of Sports Illustrated. But I AM nervous, it is uncomfortable, and men do worry about these things! As much as we might like to project the "frat boy" image that we are ready "to go" at a moments notice, that we would love to have sex twice a day, every day, and that we don't need romance, when you are in a committed relationship you come to appreciate the candles and clean sheets.
Alas, Fac fortia et patere.