Redefining "Fatherhood"

Last night I was perusing some blogs and found a link to the post, "intolerance and infertility," which resides outside of the IF community on a blog called Thinking Girl. In essence the post was a plea for information (which I admire). The author was curious as to why infertile individuals are willing to face so many physical and emotional challenges in order to have biological children. In her opinion, this is a selfish and narcissistic act considering the number of children in the world who are without parents and could benefit from adoption. (Note: this is a gross oversimplification of the post, you should really check it out for yourself)

The post generated a few ignorant responses, but on the whole, it is an interesting and engaging discourse. Reading through the comments felt a bit like sitting in on a college seminar. There were those individuals (like the author of the blog), who seemed genuinely interested in learning from others. The "pseudo-intellects" who are engaged in the conversation and use all the right "buzz words," but really only skimmed the readings. The "zealots" who feel compelled to profess their (conservative or liberal) doctrinal beliefs, but lack any capacity for critical thought. The "pundits" who are quick to express their opinions as fact, but whose claims are unsubstantiated or based solely on circumstantial evidence. And finally, the "class clowns" who wake up briefly to relate the discussion to whatever they saw on T.V. last night, before drifting back to sleep. (FYI, I generally played the role of the "pseudo-intellect" during college, with a dash of punditism for good measure)

Overall, it was one of the most engaging threads that I have encountered on the net. This really is the internet at its' best.

I did want to comment/expand upon one of the points that was made, but my thoughts don't really contribute to the thread so I have decided to do so here. Furthermore, the Thinking Girl blog is intended as a forum for, "women, feminists, and feminist allies." While I do consider myself to be in solidarity with feminists on most issues, I also recognize that I do represent a "privileged" voice and so I will respectfully refrain from participating on this particular blog.

In the thread, one of the readers challenged to author to explain what she meant when she said the the nature of infertility treatments "bugs" her. The author responding with the following.

what bugs me about the nature of fertility treatments is two-fold - that they are highly invasive, and that the woman bears the entire burden (unless you call watching some porn and jerking off into a cup a burden). It is the woman’s body that becomes medicalized, even when the fertility problem is low sperm count. It is her body that is subjected to daily injections, hormonal fluctuations, procedures to extract eggs, procedures to implant sperm, procedures to implant fertilized eggs, and sometimes procedures to minimize the number of fetuses she carries to term.

I agree with much of what the author has written here. The one caveat being the assumption that all fertility treatments are the solely the woman's burden. There are certainly a number of treatments (hormone therapy, varicocele repair) that are male oriented. Perhaps, she is only concerned with the IUI/IVF treatments? But I digress, I do think (based on zero evidence) that doctor's are too quick to push IVF/ICSI in the case of male infertility when other treatments may be viable options. I would imagine that this is done in the spirit of efficiency, but it raises some serious concerns regarding the way that women are treated in our society. Since society promotes an expectation of "woman as mother," the burden too frequently falls on their shoulders. I would be very curious to know how much money is spent on medical research regarding male infertility versus something like hair loss or erectile dysfunction? I am willing to bet that the latter two receive far more funding.

The author's point about the woman's body being "medicalized" is also an important one. One implication of attempting to "fix" infertility is that "motherhood" is normalized, excluding those who cannot or do not wish to reproduce. I would imagine that this leaves many women feeling like "damaged goods" (a feeling that I can relate to with regard to IF). I have certainly heard many stories from my wife where she felt that she was more "object" than "subject" during various exams.

All of that being said, I was a little taken aback by the quote, "unless you call watching some porn and jerking off into a cup a burden." Obviously, you cannot even begin to compare the experiences of men and women when it comes to reproduction. Men simply have no idea what it must feel like to sustain a life throughout the gestation period. However, I think that the way in which the role of the man is diminished in this process helps to reinforce patriarchal views that are damaging to the feminist cause. In a society where the burden of child care and other domestic responsibilities continues to be the domain of the woman, despite increased participation in the workforce, we must ask ourselves why some men feel that their contribution ends at orgasm? Yes, many men simply seek to maximize and take advantage of their "male privilege," but why do they do this? We need to consider how men are conditioned to see their role in child rearing. Too often, involved males are either portrayed as beleaguered martyrs or simply as jokes. When the role of the male in the reproduction process is diminished are we simply stating a biological fact, or might we be contributing to the reinforcement of social norms that are damaging to women.

While I have certainly made my fair share of "masturbation" jokes on this blog, I guess I never really considered the implications of these depictions on our definitions of "fatherhood." Personally, moving forward I am going to think about how I might become more involved during my wife's future pregnancy (fingers crossed) so that "parenting" is a truly shared venture from the start.

* note, I wanted to give credit to Kristen at The Sticky Bean (see blog roll) for her initial link to "Thinking Girl" and thank her for her post on that site regarding some important IF issues (including the burden of male IF).