I'd Like to Make a "Deposit" Please

As far as I am concerned, the semen analysis procedure has to be the worst part of the infertility testing process (from the male perspective). At this point I have produced 3 "samples" and am something of an expert. Plus, I have 20 years of practice under my belt, so with this in mind I would like to make a few suggestions for fertility clinics around the country.

1. For the love of God, get some decent porn! I am sorry, but what sickos are in charge or ordering this stuff? On my first visit I was confronted with everything from "Grannies Gone Wild" to "Farm Animal Delights."

Here are my recommendations:

A. Keep it Simple (I am sure that many clients have their fetishes, but we are working toward procreation here!). Stick with the "girl-next-door" classics like Playboy. In terms of video, there is no need for Dickman and Throbbin, perhaps just some tasteful classic film clips (e.g. Phoebe Cates in Fast Times at Ridgemont High).

B. Keep it Current. Honestly! I am dropping big money for this. The last thing I need is a wrinkled copy of Juggs from 1987. Plus feathered hair is a real turn-off (although leggings can be quite fetching).

C. Keep it Clean. Related to "B", I couldn't help but think of the previous clients when I saw the well worn magazine rack. What about a B.Y.O.P. policy? This way you never need to recoil in horror when you turn page 17 and end up on page 22.

2. The walls of the "spankatorium" should be at least 6 inches thick. The experience is already horrifying, the last thing I need is to hear is a conversation between two lab techs about last night's episode of Grey's Anatomy. Seriously, the paper thin walls add a "Motel 6" quality to the whole process, which does not enable production of a quality sample. What people need to understand is that masturbation is a "secret" activity, hearing a nurse in the next room is the equivalent of hearing your Mom's minivan pull up in the driveway when you are thirteen.

3. Can we talk about the collection cups? It is really difficult to "direct the flow" into those stupid cups. First of all you have to stop mid-stroke and try to aim into the Tupperware. If you want a full sample there has to be a way for us to reach our "conclusion" without stopping. Second, the physics are just all wrong. I mean the penis points up and gravity is working against us. Isn't there any way we can get an ergonomic assessment for this process? Finally, if the average male produces 2 to 5 ml. why am I being supplied with a 1 liter bottle? The ol' self esteem is already at an all time low. Do we really need to emphasize my inadequacies, by giving me a Big Gulp to jack-off in?

4. Please make if clear that we have options. Once I learned that I was allowed to "produce" at home, things went much better. The clinic should offer this option up front and supply you with the requisite cup and brown paper bag. My wife and I literally argued for two weeks over who had to swing by to pick up the "receptacle" (she won). However, kudos to the office for supplying a discrete brown paper bag. "Semen sample? Nope, just my lunch... P.B. & J. with a CapriSun." For those of you who choose this option please be aware that the sample needs to arrive in the lab within one hour. This does add a certain element of suspense. It feels a little like being Michael Knight of Knight Rider fame. "KITT, I've got the sample, meet me out back!" Remember, the sample needs to be kept at body temperature so it will be important to tuck it into you Members Only jacket.

5. Finally, I have read that the wife may assist in the sample collection. Who are these couples and is there an instructional video available? As far as I can tell, this would only ramp up the awkwardness scale to a 9 out of 10. Plus, in these matters I am a firm believer that "too many cooks spoil the broth." Better to make it a solo performance.